allelographia v

i am writing fast
with a great fear breathing behind my neck
a great urgency for
my tongue grows poorer
by the minute
i have seen most of my adjectives blown to dust
leaving a trail of bare objects around the house
comparative degrees and superlatives dry out
so shit can no longer relate to shit
and the future tense just flew out the window one evening
entire words just vanish
so i write in a great hurry while i still can
massacres occur at night
i go to bed and pray hard
to wake up in one piece
but instead
in the morning i leap up with a fright
and it takes terribly long to drive a heartbeat to its right pace
i no longer remember why i am here
the city is too beautiful
to enter inside me
it just stands there still
like a theater stage set where i happen to wander before the show
and the people in it seem terribly well
i walk and envy
them for carrying entire lives on their faces
with all kinds of feelings
which i cannot have
i see something in their eyes
which mine don't have
i despise the good weather
which has invaded us
imposing health and youth
i despise this terrible terrible guilt
which eats me alive
but most of all i despise this strength
this frightening power
which keeps me on my feet
i despise my feet planted in the ground
and this unfortunate hand
which touches everything
it sees
i want vertigos
i want to see the world spin around me
fast
and the pain
to throw me to the ground
i want the ground to subside
for me
as though it had a heart.